Friday, 15 July 2011

Magic is Might: The True Nature of Muggles

The Dangers Muggles Pose to Society
By Albert Runcorn

It is no secret in the Wizarding World that Muggles threaten our very existence by doing nothing more than being their vicious, disgusting selves. First, though, let us discuss what a 'Muggle' is.

A Muggle is a creature with no magical abilities whatsoever. They are dirty, ugly and stupid like animals and should thus be treated as such. Wizards and witches are their superiors in every way and it is our responsibility to teach them that they are worthless, useless creatures.

What is the function of a Muggle? The truth of the matter is that there isn't one. Without magical talents, they cannot control, torture or kill quickly and effectively like we can. Instead, they are forced to viciously slash at each other with swords and daggers or fire at each other with "guns" (dark instruments in which Muggles put "bullets" that embed themselves in human flesh, killing the victim). Unlike the safe and non-messy Cruciatus curse, Muggles torture each other by spilling blood and internal organs. How primitive! They also have no foolproof method of forcing others to do their bidding. Instead they must use persuasion and violence which a true wizard would never fall for.

However, even though it is clear that Muggles are dumb and dull, we should never forget that they are indeed dangerous to us. There have been many examples of this, coming in the form of Mudbloods - Muggles who have stolen magic, which is to say, taken it by force, and now masquerade as though they are natural wizards. These abominations must be stopped at any cost!

The Ministry has deviced a plan for true wizards and witches to keep our society pure. All those looking to weed out the evil in their lives can now sign up for numerous activities such as Mudblood Round-Ups, Muggle Hunting and can even purchase their very own Muggles who work as excellent substitues for house elves.

If you or anyone you know has been in contact with a Muggle of Mudblood recently, you may now report to the Ministry for a free vaccination that will protect you from the deadly consequences of prolonged exposure to stupidity. Please contact the Ministry of Magic if you have any further questions on how you can live a peaceful, Muggle-free life.


  1. I happen to be a muggle-born, you ass! When Harry Potter triumphs against You-Know-Who, I hope you're one of the first to be rounded up to spend a long, hellish forever in Azkaban. Or, if I have it my way, maybe I can round up a few of those so-called 'disgusting' muggle friends of mine to showcase their primitive nature!

    On another note, Sonia, you creep me out LOL. Muggle slavery aka house elves, vaccinations against the disease they carry.... you tap into the muggle-hater role surprisingly well. I'M WORRIED!!!

  2. Yeah, I'm Muggle-born too! And there are a lot more Muggles than pure-blood wizards, so you better watch out, Runcorn!

    I don't even know how you came up with the idea for Muggles as house-elf substitutes, but I'm disturbed :P.

  3. Brodie: Creeped out? I can't imagine why! I'm such a sweet, innocent Hufflepuff...

    Liz: Oh, you know... just an idea that had been floating around in my head... *cough*

  4. lmao this amuses me